Everynight Carry

I've laid them out on the seat of the limo to take stock of my nightlife.

These are tools I need to get me through the night.

These are tools I need to get me through the night.

I understand that the phenomenon is everyday carry, but that's not nearly as interesting unless you want to see pictures of a chicken-scratched to do list, overpriced sunglasses, Sara's obese cat boxed up for the vet, and/or stacks of the boss's dry cleaning (yes he outsources, don't ask). You see, the monsters come out at night...vampire and human alike. My job is to make sure everything runs smoothly.

To that end, Sanctus Hotel & Casino's Head of Guest Relations' everynight carry includes: .357 Magnum loaded with silver bullets, sharpened, silver cuff links, silver Kershaw spring loaded on my forearm (you really can't carry enough silver when you work with vampires), black leather gloves in case I have to pull an impromptu B&E, cash and casino chips to keep the party going, limo keys with a big red panic button for when I forget where the fuck I parked it, and one very, very important silver bracelet that carries information I'll explain another time (no, I don't have a heart murmur or Chrone's).

But what's missing? Pepper spray? Rape whistle? A murse? Maybe a gallon of AXE Body Spray for the ladies? Stop. A Leatherman? No, if a bolt or a screw needs tightening I'll call someone. But with what? So yeah, that's it. A phone.

I broke another iPhone today. Crushed it under the limo after I set it down to load Sara's ill-tempered, diabetic cat into the trunk. I can't stand the sight of it, and it hates me. That's what I get for taking the low road. But y'know what's scarier than vampires? This ugly sucker--

My new phone. It flips.

My new phone. It flips.

I destroy iPhones. I'm good at it, and I blew passed AppleCare+ a few hundred phones ago. The boss ain't happy, so he sent me to the mobile store to pick up this classic. Sure, I could buy my own phone, but that wouldn't end well. This was handpicked to teach me a lesson.

What goes with $2,000 Tom Ford's, a $20,000 custom-made Ermenegildo Zegna suit, and a $1,000 silk Charvet? A flip phone. It's like a samurai wielding the file in a toenail clipper. Add that to my everynight carry.

On the upside, in two years I get a free upgrade.